Insomnia

Last night, I couldn't sleep, for many reasons. At first, I couldn't really think straight... And every time I tried to fall asleep, I'd get an itch or something that would jolt me awake again. Finally, I got up and thought, "Okay, it's morning, right?" Checked the clock. Midnight.

I laid back down, trying to fall asleep, but a sudden tidal wave of anxiety hit me. I was lying in the wrong position, or I was itchy, or I couldn't relax. My muscles got all tense, and I started shaking. Finally, I just couldn't stand the feeling anymore, and got up. Only Adam (my stepdad) was still awake. I told him about how anxious I felt, and how I couldn't sleep. He let me stay up with him for a bit, and we watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother on-demand, so I could calm myself down. After the episode, he suggested I try to sleep again.

Back in bed. It was one in the morning. Since I sometimes like to fantasize situations in order to fall asleep, I tried imagining what friends would say if I went to them for help. I was startled by what I came up with: most of them just wished me good luck and left me to deal with it on my own. A, who I mentioned in the previous post, was the one I couldn't come up with a response for. I had no idea what she'd say. I don't think she'd be sympathetic.

I shook off the feeling and tried to fall asleep again, and keep myself from crying. I still felt itchy. And then, the problem arose... My uncle.

He slept just across the hall, and his breathing was abnormally shallow and irregular. Since he snores, I could hear it very clearly. For some reason, I have trouble breathing right when I don't have something to level my breathing with. Normally, my heartbeat works fine, but if I hear someone else breathing, I try to synch up with them instinctively. Since he was breathing too quickly and irregularly for me, I started getting anxious again. I tried covering my ears, but I could still hear it, quietly. I tried leaving my room, but there was no place in the house I couldn't hear the snoring, or Adam's CPAP machine (he had gone to sleep by then), or both.

So I left.

I put on my jacket, pants, and shoes, and just left the house, taking only my cell phone and a broken piece of tile I got from the State Farm floor. I was in Florida, not Boston, because of vacation, so it was warm. I wandered around the streets, completely alone. It wasn't anywhere near as silent or dark as I imagined it'd be. I had no trouble seeing, since street lights were lit up all alongside the road. There was a noise in the background that sounded kind of like traffic, but it was the same constant volume and sound the whole time, not growing and fading like you'd imagine traffic would do.

At one point, I wondered what it would feel like to run at night. I tried it, but it didn't really seem different from running during the daytime, so I stopped. Unfortunately, while I was running, the tile flew out of my pocket and I lost it in the gravel road. I walked slowly again, not worrying about where I was.

I finally came back in at around 2:45. I played my DS for a little while, and at 3:30 I just went to sleep. The snoring was gone, for some reason, so I didn't have any trouble sleeping then. I woke up at around 8 in the morning. I'll probably take a nap today.

This week.

Holy crap, I'm so tired you have no idea. Not to mention the fact that I've been crying at the drop of a hat. Therapy went well, but... I'm just exhausted, and I've had a REALLY long week.

I had a concert on Wednesday with the school band! A lot of my friends were there, since they were in the chorus, orchestra or band. And I performed a duet with Maeve, which was my first time ever playing something that the rest of the flutes weren't! It was VERY fun. And I think I did really well, though not many people have actually complimented me on it... Only my parents, Judah, my band teacher, and Maeve herself.

Today, I learned an important lesson about expectations. I care a lot about all of my friends, and not all of them care for me just as much... they like me, just not enough to show it all the time, the way I do. This is particularly true with someone I'll just call A for right now.

A is judgmental, and unsympathetic. If I tell her something about my personal life, she'll ignore me, say she doesn't care, or interrupt me. She'll sometimes say things that she expects will get under my skin, for that sole reason. And she gets annoyed with me if I'm upset or walk away from a conversation that's taking a bad turn... Saying "I'm sorry you're so offended" in a sarcastic tone, as if I have NO reason to be upset, and I'm just being dramatic.

But this is not unreasonable. She's gone so far as to call me smug and obnoxious to my face, usually when I'm right about something and she thinks I'm trying to rub it in when I'm barely saying anything. How did I ever have romantic feelings for this person?

I can't remember the last time she's seen me crying and asked if I'm all right. I've had multiple emotional meltdowns right in front of her, and she's mostly just tuned me out, writing her stories in her own fantasy world in which nothing is ever wrong and she's completely alone. When I told her that I got dumped, she mostly shrugged it off, like, "Oh, you're single again? Okay." As if I had never dated my ex in the first place, and things were back to normal, just like that. But that's obviously not how breakups work.

My problem was that I expected too much of her. I expected her to be the kind of friend I could talk to about things, the kind of friend who would listen to me, and hug me if I was crying and needed the affection. And she just isn't that friend. I don't think she ever will be able to be that friend.

Therapy

So, I've been seeing a therapist lately named Becket. And, let me just say, she's pretty much the best therapist or counselor I've ever spoken to.
Mr. R gave me an intern to talk to in 8th grade named Susan Bloom. She would take me out of one class period, and sit with me in awkward silence while she occasionally asked me open questions that had nothing to do with my actual problems. Mr. R himself, when I went to see him, refused to let me stop seeing her because he thought I was too immature to make the decision that she didn't help me.
Then there was Alice. I liked her well enough, but she didn't address my issues as well as she could have. She was a good person to talk to, but she failed to give me the advice I really needed.
Ms. Lenard is nice, too, and actually gives me advice, so she's pretty much the second-best. The only real difference between her and Becket is that I don't have a definite connection to her.
Becket is great for me, though. She listens to me when I talk about my anxiety attack triggers, and actually asks me what they feel like to me, and what they might look like to someone else. When she thinks she understands something, she paraphrases it to summarize, and then asks me if what she said sounded right to me. It usually does. And she seems to be genuinely interested in the different quirks about me, like what my rules are for walking on the tiles in the school hallways (who *doesn't* have rules for how to walk on their tiles?).
I'm going to be seeing her again tomorrow, which I'm fairly excited about. It took us two days to understand my anxiety attacks (though we're not sure what's happening in my brain to cause them, we know all the triggers and symptoms that have shown themselves), and now we can get down to other things, like her suggestions for preventing them, or perhaps some of my more emotional troubles that I need her help with. So, after school tomorrow, I'll say how it went! Ciao~

Safe!

So, on Wednesday, I almost fainted. Here's the full story, like I promised!

On Wednesday, our school had a mock evacuation. I followed my Italian class, vaguely annoyed at my sorta-friends Palmer and Ethan. (I'm more friends with Palmer than Ethan. MUCH more.) My eyes hurt a bit from exposure to sunlight, since I'm a bit of a creature of the evening (not to sound dark or anything, I just like the evening more than other times during the day, and at least I didn't call myself a creature of the night). I felt tired from having to listen to Ethan keep rambling too loudly about things that had nothing to do with each other, so I mostly tuned everyone out. Besides, I was cold and wanted to get inside the church (our evacuation location) as soon as possible.

So we reach the church. The students are separated into current class period, and they're sent to three different sections of the church based on what floor you were on when in class. We were on the third floor, so we went to an empty room that's probably only used for meetings or something. I sat down in one of the chairs and just kind of stared at nothing. Palmer and Ethan ignored me to hang out with some of the older boys, and I was a bit grateful, because I felt oddly tired. Also, it was crowded, and I normally feel very anxious in a room where my exits aren't immediately available, with a clear path from my seat to the door.

I spaced out pretty quickly. I was mostly aware of my surroundings, but nothing really seemed to matter. I don't know what I was feeling, really. I mostly felt really tired. I saw a candy wrapper on the ground and started staring at it, when suddenly there were two of them. The one on the right started to wander away from the one on the left, which was mostly still. I knew it was my eyes playing tricks on me, but I wasn't that confused. I started playing around with it, to see how far I could make it go. I must have been doing this for at least fifteen minutes, because I was interrupted by my teacher telling me it was time to go. I felt slightly relieved that people were moving through the door, so the room was emptying out, but that relief was overpowered by my sudden need to stay seated. For some reason, I really didn't want to get up.

But I knew I had to, so I slowly rose to my feet. I already felt lightheaded, as if I was walking on air but hadn't really learned how yet. I took baby steps, each foot not fully passing the other. But suddenly, even that was too much for me, and I stumbled. I managed to catch myself on a nearby chair, which itself only stayed up because there was a table on its other side, blocking its fall. A teacher I'd never met before approached me and started asking me more than one question at once. Did I feel dizzy? Did I need to sit down? Did I want to go to the hospital?

I managed to say without really speaking that I was dizzy, had to sit down, and did not need to go to the hospital, so he then asked if I wanted help, and I nodded. He got Ms. Lenard, one of the school's three or four guidance counselors, the one that had been assigned to my third of the student population. She asked me too many questions too, I guess to fill the silence since I wasn't really talking, and eventually we (they) sorted out that I could get a ride back to the school in a police cruiser, driven by Ms. Lenard's brother, who happened to be the school police officer. I was driven back and taken to the school nurse, who let me lie down while she called someone to get my bags and called my father to come get me.

It took him a while, since he works out of town, and had to take the T back in order to get the car to fetch me. While I was waiting, I couldn't think clearly. At one point, I stood up to get my sketchbook from the counter, falling down twice along the way. I hadn't even managed to get my pencil while I was at it, so it didn't do me much good. But the nurse came back in, and scolded me for trying to do schoolwork while I wasn't feeling well (she thought it was a school notebook). The only other times she came in where so I could talk to my father, and so she could take my blood pressure and temperature, which were both normal.

Finally, my father came and got me. I was mostly disoriented for the entire rest of the day, but managed to get to school the following day without getting dizzy. After school, I visited my doctor. As it turned out, I probably had some sort of small virus that I managed to fight off that day, and I was now completely fine. Still, the remaining two days of school were long and draining, just from the rest of my stressful week (I was sick on Monday).

I am now completely recovered! This has been a long week. I spent most of this morning just lying on the couch and watching Invader Zim. I think I did that for a couple of hours. After all, I did burn through three disks.

So next week should hopefully be better. See you all then! <3

Time to bring happy back.

WOW my blog got emo all of a sudden. Eep. So, let's correct that, shall we?

I'm staying home sick today, so that's kinda sad... =.= But Hanukkah is upon us, and lemme tell you, this is my geekiest Hanukkah EVER.

So, my presents so far. A squishy Adipose (which is an animated fat blob with a cute underbite and beady eyes), a plush Companion Cube (weighted cubes from the game Portal), Legend Of Zelda: Spirit Tracks (Zelda game), Miles Edgeworth Investigations (Ace Attorney game), a Huggie (like a Snuggie with a front pocket), a blue Totoro hat complete with ears (from the Miyazaki movie "My Neighbor Totoro"), an M-Audio USB keyboard (so I can make recorded songs with just that and any basic computer with the right software), a Greece Lightning T-shirt (with a picture of Zeus and a lightning bolt), and a dictionary with pictures instead of definitions. And Hanukkah's not even over yet!

Last night, my mom's boyfriend, Judah, made some hand-made chicken noodle soup, and I got to play my first game of Wishbone with my mom. I won, but I'm keeping my wish a secret. :P

I got to go to the Voyagers semi-formal! For those of you not familiar with Voyagers, they're something like a homeschooled school. Yeah, really. As in, very few students, with their guardians and relatives as the teachers. And these guys throw a dance for teens every month. They're awesome people, super-friendly and fun to be around, and really talented. So, naturally, the dances are amazing. The semi-formal theme? "Circus Apocalypse". I KNOW RIGHT :O

So that's about all I have to report for right now. See you guys later!

EDIT: I've deleted all the whiny blog posts. Let's not be bothered by those anymore, shall we?

EDIT: By the way, the rest of my Hanukkah gifts were: a "Snakes On A Plane" shirt (with a picture of two snakes on an x and y plane), Final Fantasy X, Repo! The Genetic Opera on DVD, and EPIC MICKEY!!! :D So, *yes*, geekiest Hanukkah ever indeed!

Misery - An Anxiety Attack

Do you know how it feels to hear everything? To never know what NOT to hear? To feel too much to express? My nails tear at my scalp. My ears ring, begging for mercy. My eyes squeeze shut. Who wants to hear everything AND see everything, after all?
I feel afraid. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like the world is out to get me. After all... no one helps. A few ask if I'm all right. The question jars me even more. Do I look all right? I don't answer. Judging stares... I can almost hear THEM, too. All the people, watching me, wondering what MY problem is.
I cover my ears, my nails digging into my skin. The teacher asks me if I need to leave the room. I barely hear him. I start to lose focus, blurring everything, but only for a moment. Then, everything is sharp again. Noises are too loud, too pitchy. Voices sound over-exaggerated and dramatic. No one matters.
The teacher repeats his question. I nod frantically and sprint out the door to the bathroom, letting out racking sobs as I run. I've never run so fast. Once in the bathroom, I lock myself in a stall, sit on the toilet, and let myself cry. I silence myself quickly as more girls walk in, laughing and chattering loudly. Too loudly. Too shrilly. It makes me even worse, but I'm trapped. If I leave the stall, I just have to return to the shrill classroom, and deal with them asking me if I'm all right.
Do I LOOK all right?
After several minutes they leave, and I'm free again, but I've made myself stop crying, and cannot make myself begin again. As soon as the painful ringing in my ears goes away, I return to the room. People turn and look at me as I come in. Turn and look at the weirdo who had to leave the room.
No one asks me any questions. They all avert their eyes awkwardly when they see me look at them. Be polite. Don't ask why she's a weirdo. Don't ask what happened. She's dealt with enough today. I try my best to keep up with the lesson while ignoring their stares. It's enough to make me want to burst into tears again, but I keep them inside.

It's not always this way. Once, the attack barely lasted.
In the hall. Too many people, too many conversations at once. One minute, I'm curled up on her lap... The next, I'm trying not to be touched, covering my ears and closing my eyes, shaking. She doesn't hesitate like everyone else does. She lifts my head gently and inserts her earbuds into my ears, playing slow music, a gentle acoustic guitar. No lyrics. Just calm, peaceful strumming. I curl up next to her and rest my head on her shoulder, listening to the sounds.
When I've calmed down enough, she takes my hands and pulls me to my feet. She takes one earbud, listens to it for a moment to test the tempo, and returns it to me. Then she pulls me closer, and she dances with me.

Neptune

So, I've been trying to find a song to sing, that I am actually good at. It's been difficult, since I listen to some pretty powerful music by singers who have had decades of vocal training. But I've finally found one.

It's called Neptune. It's difficult, but possible. When the music video for it is finished, I'll link to it in a blog post, or just edit this one. It's a song that gives me goosebumps when I sing it, because of how powerful the lyrics and the emotions are. It will be difficult to duplicate. But I can try.

I haven't gotten around to recording yet. I will soon, once I perfect it. I've memorized all the lyrics already, but I still need to work out some of the issues I'm having with the chorus. I keep singing the powerful, more complicated versions of the chorus that are played later in the song, rather than the simple ones at the beginning. It's tough to remember to tone it down at the beginning, but keep in mind, I've only been trying to learn this song for an hour and a half.

Anyway, once things start progressing some more with that, I'll definitely be sure to let you guys know. 'Till next time!

~ Story

December 23, 2009

I said it. I really did say it. "We've had enough trouble with transportation this week. We've filled our quota; Nothing bad is going to happen on this train ride."

The train proved me wrong.

We boarded at 9:00 AM. We were JUST outside our stop at 3:00 PM when the train stopped moving. After half an hour of confusion, the train attendants told us that a drawbridge had gotten stuck in upwards position, keeping us from moving, and that the mechanics expected to be moving again in an hour. I just took out my DS and started playing, waiting. I checked my watch. Two hours.

Another hour later and they told us (in fancier terms) that the mechanics had no idea how to fix the bridge, so they called in a better mechanic from an hour drive away. I expected us to move again in about two hours.

8:00 came. People were starting to get pretty crazy, both from stress and from the train's supplied alcohol. So around that time, my parents and I were surrounded by drunken rednecks on a stationary train.

Oh noes.

In a world... there is a train.... with drunken rednecks on it!

Drunken rednecks! ON A TRAIN!

Yes, bad joke referring to "Snakes on a Plane". It was too available.

Anyway, people were starting to get kind of irate. They were beginning to yell at the train attendants, demanding to know exactly what was going on. But they cleverly avoided these questions with half-truths and not-quite-answers.

As it turned out, by about 10:30 they were handcranking the bridge down. The first two thoughts to come to mind:
1. Are they video taping it so it can go up on YouTube?
2. Well, why didn't they just do that in the FIRST place?

We got to moving again at 11:00. Pulled in under five minutes later.

UNDER. FIVE. MINUTES.

UGH.

We could have WALKED to this place if they'd let us.

Incidentally, there was another train not far behind us, so we couldn't move backwards either.

So let's recap our time information!

Time spent on the train: 14 hours
Length of our expected trip: 5 hours
Time spent stationary: 9 hours
Time the train ran out of alcohol: 7:30 PM
Time that I spent completely patient: 11.5 hours
Time that I was experiencing allergic reactions (itchy, watery eyes and lots of sneezing and runny nose) to who-knows-what: 12 hours