This week.

Holy crap, I'm so tired you have no idea. Not to mention the fact that I've been crying at the drop of a hat. Therapy went well, but... I'm just exhausted, and I've had a REALLY long week.

I had a concert on Wednesday with the school band! A lot of my friends were there, since they were in the chorus, orchestra or band. And I performed a duet with Maeve, which was my first time ever playing something that the rest of the flutes weren't! It was VERY fun. And I think I did really well, though not many people have actually complimented me on it... Only my parents, Judah, my band teacher, and Maeve herself.

Today, I learned an important lesson about expectations. I care a lot about all of my friends, and not all of them care for me just as much... they like me, just not enough to show it all the time, the way I do. This is particularly true with someone I'll just call A for right now.

A is judgmental, and unsympathetic. If I tell her something about my personal life, she'll ignore me, say she doesn't care, or interrupt me. She'll sometimes say things that she expects will get under my skin, for that sole reason. And she gets annoyed with me if I'm upset or walk away from a conversation that's taking a bad turn... Saying "I'm sorry you're so offended" in a sarcastic tone, as if I have NO reason to be upset, and I'm just being dramatic.

But this is not unreasonable. She's gone so far as to call me smug and obnoxious to my face, usually when I'm right about something and she thinks I'm trying to rub it in when I'm barely saying anything. How did I ever have romantic feelings for this person?

I can't remember the last time she's seen me crying and asked if I'm all right. I've had multiple emotional meltdowns right in front of her, and she's mostly just tuned me out, writing her stories in her own fantasy world in which nothing is ever wrong and she's completely alone. When I told her that I got dumped, she mostly shrugged it off, like, "Oh, you're single again? Okay." As if I had never dated my ex in the first place, and things were back to normal, just like that. But that's obviously not how breakups work.

My problem was that I expected too much of her. I expected her to be the kind of friend I could talk to about things, the kind of friend who would listen to me, and hug me if I was crying and needed the affection. And she just isn't that friend. I don't think she ever will be able to be that friend.