WOW I really let this slip by.

Okay so, I'm back to blogging! I'm sure you're all happy. Yes, all two of you that actually READ my blog.

So much stuff has happened lately. I finally wrote a song! It's only A Capella for right now, but hey, I can add some instrumental. Either way, I've got lyrics and a melody, so I figure I'm doing pretty well.

Let's see, what else... Got new glasses yesterday since my prescription was failing. Dramatic improvement, so it's all good now.

I'm gonna do an awesome project for Italian this week! The assignment is to translate a recipe for an Italian dish into the Italian language, and we get extra credit if we cook the dish and bring it into class Friday. Of course, I am taking full advantage of this opportunity. It's been forever since I've cooked something other than canned food and ramen.

BAND DRAMA! In Watertown, they're trying to boot out instrumental music from the elementary school. You'd think something like this would pull the high school band together, right? A common enemy? Turns out, it doesn't work like that here. Now we're more split then ever. A couple kids want to help, a couple kids just let the stress get to them, a couple people don't care, and a couple people are just fighting amongst themselves. Two kids actually had to leave the room. The boy asked the teacher a question that had already been answered, the girl told him to shut up because she didn't want him to waste time as he usually does (and she usually yells at him for it then, too). The difference was that this time, the boy snapped loudly, "I was talking to the fucking teacher." Yep. Band drama. At least I get to be on the sidelines instead of being the person people are yelling at.

So that's about it for right now! Ciao~

-- Story

Computer fixed!

My computer is now fixed. All I had to do was update it to Mac 10.6 instead of 10.5. So I now have my computer back, fully functional. Thank goodness.

Computastrophe!

So, I don't know if I mentioned... My computer is completely down. It won't connect to the Internet, not even through an ethernet cord. It went through about a week of sometimes connecting, to pretending to connect, to not even pretending anymore. I'm currently typing this from my mom's Netbook, hoping for my computer to get better.

Today, the same thing started happening to my mom. The difference is that she wasn't as quiet about it. She announces it every time she can't get through, is passive-aggressive about the issue to my stepdad, and she often says "I have ACTUAL WORK to get done," as if my homework issues and trouble communicating with close friends wasn't even important, ESPECIALLY compared to her dramatic distress. Hopefully, when my dad lends me the Macbook Pro from his office while my computer is fixed, I can return the Netbook to my mom and she can stop complaining about this. It's really draining my once good mood.

I know she's not TRYING to belittle my own computer issues, but it's pretty stressful on me to hear her complaining about it every single minute that it continues to be a problem. It's going to KEEP making you lose your connection, Mom, and my dad KNOWS that already... You do not have to tell him each and every time. Not to mention the CONTINUOUS passive-aggressive tone.
"I just talked to Comcast, they say their troubleshooting specialist will be with you on Monday or Tuesday."
"So, in other words, they don't do their jobs."
Which is, by the way, how she responds to EVERY PROBLEM.

Another fun example.
"My concern is that you and Elayna run the same Mac OS. If there's a bug in this OS..."
"Well, YOU'RE the one who has Google right now." *faked sarcastic smile*

I have to listen to this whenever there is ANY problem in her life. It's more discreet when it's a problem of someone being morally wrong, in which case it just sounds like she's being snappy at them for actually being wrong. But in this case, it's a problem that Adam is TRYING to solve and has absolutely no control over, and it's like she expects him to be a magical computer-wizard that saves her from all her problems.

Which is another huge reason for me to hope this is fixed soon: So I don't have to listen to her announce "Turning Airport OFF... and now back ON..." every. Single. Time. Her network disconnects.

Youtube

As some of you guys know, this isn't the only place I blog. I also have a vlog, on Youtube.com! My channel is called "LmeyaGoddess" (capitalized for your spelling benefits). Anyway, I haven't updated that channel in a long time. At least a year, I believe.

So I'll be going back to it! The next chance I get, I'm going to record a new video and post it to Youtube. It may take me a while, seeing as I don't have much access to my usual computer (it's kinda broken, and I'm using my mom's Netbook right now). But I'll certainly try!

Check it out when you can. That's probably where I'll post that Neptune video I promised a long time ago.

The Parent Code - A New Concept

Hiya~ So, I got an idea: Someone should really make a set of rules that parents should follow, that help people really spell out the idea of improper parenting... Because sometimes, the unspoken rules just aren't good enough. I plan to write this out, post it here, and hopefully even get it published here. If any of you have any ideas, please make suggestions in the comments! Thanks!

Ciao~
-- Story

Insomnia

Last night, I couldn't sleep, for many reasons. At first, I couldn't really think straight... And every time I tried to fall asleep, I'd get an itch or something that would jolt me awake again. Finally, I got up and thought, "Okay, it's morning, right?" Checked the clock. Midnight.

I laid back down, trying to fall asleep, but a sudden tidal wave of anxiety hit me. I was lying in the wrong position, or I was itchy, or I couldn't relax. My muscles got all tense, and I started shaking. Finally, I just couldn't stand the feeling anymore, and got up. Only Adam (my stepdad) was still awake. I told him about how anxious I felt, and how I couldn't sleep. He let me stay up with him for a bit, and we watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother on-demand, so I could calm myself down. After the episode, he suggested I try to sleep again.

Back in bed. It was one in the morning. Since I sometimes like to fantasize situations in order to fall asleep, I tried imagining what friends would say if I went to them for help. I was startled by what I came up with: most of them just wished me good luck and left me to deal with it on my own. A, who I mentioned in the previous post, was the one I couldn't come up with a response for. I had no idea what she'd say. I don't think she'd be sympathetic.

I shook off the feeling and tried to fall asleep again, and keep myself from crying. I still felt itchy. And then, the problem arose... My uncle.

He slept just across the hall, and his breathing was abnormally shallow and irregular. Since he snores, I could hear it very clearly. For some reason, I have trouble breathing right when I don't have something to level my breathing with. Normally, my heartbeat works fine, but if I hear someone else breathing, I try to synch up with them instinctively. Since he was breathing too quickly and irregularly for me, I started getting anxious again. I tried covering my ears, but I could still hear it, quietly. I tried leaving my room, but there was no place in the house I couldn't hear the snoring, or Adam's CPAP machine (he had gone to sleep by then), or both.

So I left.

I put on my jacket, pants, and shoes, and just left the house, taking only my cell phone and a broken piece of tile I got from the State Farm floor. I was in Florida, not Boston, because of vacation, so it was warm. I wandered around the streets, completely alone. It wasn't anywhere near as silent or dark as I imagined it'd be. I had no trouble seeing, since street lights were lit up all alongside the road. There was a noise in the background that sounded kind of like traffic, but it was the same constant volume and sound the whole time, not growing and fading like you'd imagine traffic would do.

At one point, I wondered what it would feel like to run at night. I tried it, but it didn't really seem different from running during the daytime, so I stopped. Unfortunately, while I was running, the tile flew out of my pocket and I lost it in the gravel road. I walked slowly again, not worrying about where I was.

I finally came back in at around 2:45. I played my DS for a little while, and at 3:30 I just went to sleep. The snoring was gone, for some reason, so I didn't have any trouble sleeping then. I woke up at around 8 in the morning. I'll probably take a nap today.

This week.

Holy crap, I'm so tired you have no idea. Not to mention the fact that I've been crying at the drop of a hat. Therapy went well, but... I'm just exhausted, and I've had a REALLY long week.

I had a concert on Wednesday with the school band! A lot of my friends were there, since they were in the chorus, orchestra or band. And I performed a duet with Maeve, which was my first time ever playing something that the rest of the flutes weren't! It was VERY fun. And I think I did really well, though not many people have actually complimented me on it... Only my parents, Judah, my band teacher, and Maeve herself.

Today, I learned an important lesson about expectations. I care a lot about all of my friends, and not all of them care for me just as much... they like me, just not enough to show it all the time, the way I do. This is particularly true with someone I'll just call A for right now.

A is judgmental, and unsympathetic. If I tell her something about my personal life, she'll ignore me, say she doesn't care, or interrupt me. She'll sometimes say things that she expects will get under my skin, for that sole reason. And she gets annoyed with me if I'm upset or walk away from a conversation that's taking a bad turn... Saying "I'm sorry you're so offended" in a sarcastic tone, as if I have NO reason to be upset, and I'm just being dramatic.

But this is not unreasonable. She's gone so far as to call me smug and obnoxious to my face, usually when I'm right about something and she thinks I'm trying to rub it in when I'm barely saying anything. How did I ever have romantic feelings for this person?

I can't remember the last time she's seen me crying and asked if I'm all right. I've had multiple emotional meltdowns right in front of her, and she's mostly just tuned me out, writing her stories in her own fantasy world in which nothing is ever wrong and she's completely alone. When I told her that I got dumped, she mostly shrugged it off, like, "Oh, you're single again? Okay." As if I had never dated my ex in the first place, and things were back to normal, just like that. But that's obviously not how breakups work.

My problem was that I expected too much of her. I expected her to be the kind of friend I could talk to about things, the kind of friend who would listen to me, and hug me if I was crying and needed the affection. And she just isn't that friend. I don't think she ever will be able to be that friend.